Shine On

I had lunch with a girlfriend yesterday, one of my Besties, as PaKou would say, and I love that term so much it's in my vocabularly now and soon to be in Websters, I'm sure. There's nothing like sitting across from someone whose face you memorized, every little strand of hair and worry wrinkle, being able to see every one of her teeth, even the molars, because we are laughing so hard I can see her tonsils.

When we are together, we talk about dieting while ordering dessert. There is this really effective communication shorthand we use as we carry forward with news, not gossip per se because it's just us. We wouldn't dream of trying to get away with showing life all scrubbed and shiny on a little pedestal for the inside of a Christmas card: I mean, what would be the point?

And so this Bestie who gets teary because even after a 3 hour lunch she isn't talked out -not by a long shot- and doesn't want it to end, she listens to my grandiose plans and in her magical way believes every one of them, believes so hard that even I come to think everything is possible, and she says you should do it all but don't forget to write.

I am caught in mid-air by how well she knows what I love to do more than anything in the world. She doesn't care a whit that there are people whose writing takes my breath away and makes me feel small. She sees my light and knows it will shine just as brightly as the next guy's by being who I am and doing what I love. Besties are like that. Thank God.

MidLife Love

I sit here mezmerized by its sparkle, this beautiful ring perched on my hand. Something old and something new, he and me, collectors of lost loves so that we may find us.

We have known life without each other to cushion the blows and understand the gains we have made. It has been a leisurely journey together and now with our families alongside, we draw it up with a beautiful big red bow.

I awaken in the night and he is holding my hand in his, a warm and sleepy comfortable love. I have found him out!!, I think, as I nestle closer and drift back to sleep. I love that he reaches for me tenderly even when I am not looking.

Great

Aiyana's place is natural wood with an etched butterfy and hummingbird taking nourishment from a flower. It was ready on Thursday, something to feel again the loss we bear as it sits somewhere safe and honored. I look for her everywhere and when I find her in a sculpture from Spain I have to have it, without question. She was a gift in my life and something I will pass on.

In this season of miracles, Steven was magnificent as the lead in his church's Christmas play and Gavon sang his heart out all around town. Ava did a rootin' tootin' good job in her Christmas program, too, and Beckham laughed when we played hide and go seek. Avry wrapped her hand in mine as we dashed into the store to buy her sister roses and bread. Morgan and Jason showed me what love tasted like - home made beef stew on a cloud of fluffy mashed potatoes! And through all of it, Randy's hand stayed in mine, constant and warm.

It was on one of these December evenings that Korina looked at me the way she does when she melts my heart and said, 'How does it feel ... ?' I was at loss for words, so consumed with gratefulness for this moment, this family, this connection. I feel full beyond measure, comfortably stuffed with all of my favorites. I smiled back into her twinkling eyes and said, 'Great, honey: it feels great.'

All Aboard!

Challenges are disguised as opportunities sometimes, or at least that's how it seems. I am reading this book, this book that speaks to me, and thinking it must be the exact right time to read it. That happens, doesn't it: life is merrily skipping along and then something intersects at the exact moment you need it -- a passage in a book, news from a friend, a bit of luck, a prophetic movie -- and off you go in another direction.

The set up is this: a young executive has hit a crisis point and seeks out a successful mentor for help. Through a series of introductions, the young executive learns some life-changing fundamental truths. I read and re-read the chapters and wondered if some of these lessons lay dormant in a little corner inside of me: namely, giving feels better, action improves lives, others come first, the necessity of believing in yourself, what a gift it is to really listen, and all of those values and lessons together defines your success in business.

I hear my parents voices still and their life lessons. All except this last part, the part where business can operate on the same principles of compassion and merit and fairness, and I have to admit I believe the opposite, that a job is a job, just a paycheck, and I do not define it.

I roll over and over the words of the book as I try to envision a business world that mirrors the values of an exemplary life, that embeds who I am and what I believe with my contributions. How would it feel to safely carry along others while pursuing my dreams and let everyone win?

In such a world, I would grab the handrail of that fast moving train and throw all of me aboard. I wouldn't know the destination, only the rightness of the journey, like a dream but for real. Such a train would be full to the brim but I'd be on it.

Pound the Ground

I wake in the night cuddling the Nemo stuffed animal, restless and soured to sleep. Up and down, what is it I wonder? I am not sore or hungry or cold, so what is it that even my favorite tea won't soothe?

By day, I shop for gifts and catch my breath at a song or a treetop angel or the sound of a bell. My thoughts continually drift to that ache that won't go away. Twenty times a day I wonder ~how can this be~ all the while knowing there is no answer I will understand.

When I was small and would fall down, my mother would hit the ground with her palm and tell it not to hurt me. I would dry my tears knowing she had made things right. It's no wonder I dream of her and wish she were here to pound the ground.

What I'm feeling is powerless. I wasn't able to save Aiyana's life. I wanted to. I prayed for Him to. Losing her feels incredibly unfair. I am lonesome. What if I become so afraid of loss that it robs me of the joy of living?

No, no that's not it. I know I carry power if I can respond to life, even when it means having to fight myself to let go. I want to CHOOSE to love unconditionally and hold nothing back. I want to risk having irreplaceable people in my life even if it means knowing someday there will be pain when we part. Love is the destination, and I'm all in for the ride.

Son

How are we like this, you and I, breathing the same air but seeing different scenery? I wrapped my heart around you like age rings in a mighty oak, year after year, watching your hair grow coarse as you grew strong and tall.

Images are so vivid still, of yellow pages that you perched on at the table and chubby little fingers held the spoon that scooped food past your face and onto the floor. I still feel your silky baby hair as I bathed you in the sink. Life was possible then, and good, when the world was new.

Your laughter rings in my ears when a giraffe leaned over the fence to take a carrot from your outstretched hand. You nearly wiggled out of my grasp with excitement but I held on. Your tears are still wet on my shoulder from tenderly saying goodbye to your favorite pet and I feel the warmth from snuggling up to watch Flight of the Navigator for the 18th time.

All I wanted was for you to see the possibilities in life and its hopeful limitless joy. Away you go, out of reach, but I will hang on, sure that love tethers us. Loving you will always be my scenery of choice.

Nectar and Life

Children see things we don't because we forget to look.

And so today I looked at the view and not just walked on ahead. I noticed something off to one side and munched through the undergrowth to discover a lake quietly reflecting the trees along its shore. I breathed in that sweet moist muddy smell and watched the things moving just under the surface, water bugs and minnows. How great life would be with a house just to the left, right at the edge, right right there...

Eventually I worried because I always get lost and why would today be any different, so I trod on back and noticed a meadow on the other side so I stepped over the path and into it. I sat in the tall grass with little flower sprays and the blades grazed my neck and cheeks as it rustled in the breeze, itchy and smelling of sun and dirt and nectar. I closed my eyes and listened in the quiet to butterfly wings and buzzing insects and then looked along the tops of the grass all the way across the field to the majestic oaks. How nice it would be every morning to be part of the peace, for a little cottage to be to the right of the oaks, right right there ...

Do all adults want to own beauty, tame and capture it, engage and draw from it, or is it just me? I think children don't think this way because they can hold the moment. By giving their whole selves to the beauty they find, it becomes part of them. Wish I could do that.

One Christmas

There are so many things, so many lessons to learn from Aiyana's life. She was absolutely herself without apology. Can I say that about myself after all this time? I remember last Christmas we came into the house which had been transformed into a busy happy mess of strewn wrapping and bows and packaging.

We made our way through the greetings, which in this family takes a while, especially with the hide and seek search for the kids on Wii, playing in the bedrooms, listening to music online or strewn around the yards running off the day's excitement. All day long you listen to the door: open, shut, open, shut, as everyone loops through the kitchen to grab something off a plate.

Aiyana was first in line for her present, a game my sons played when they were young. We were still holding Ava's gift ten minutes later and she eyed it and offered to give it to her. Ten or so minutes after that Ava's gift was found behind the chair sitting in a puddle of ripped ribbon and torn paper.

I didn't react or know what to do. Surely her little sister wouldn't get the pleasure of opening her gift, and I thought she might cry. But her grandfather looked down at the girls with his most loving face and gently to Aiyana said, 'I just love you' and handed the gift to Ava with a hug.

Ava looked up into my face and with that I grabbed the girls and the game and we made a place in their room for play. Over the next hour we played it over and over, and Gav joined in and Summer, too. The children didn't dwell on who opened what, as most children might. They had already learned what mattered most was on the inside.