I wake in the night cuddling the Nemo stuffed animal, restless and soured to sleep. Up and down, what is it I wonder? I am not sore or hungry or cold, so what is it that even my favorite tea won't soothe?
By day, I shop for gifts and catch my breath at a song or a treetop angel or the sound of a bell. My thoughts continually drift to that ache that won't go away. Twenty times a day I wonder ~how can this be~ all the while knowing there is no answer I will understand.
When I was small and would fall down, my mother would hit the ground with her palm and tell it not to hurt me. I would dry my tears knowing she had made things right. It's no wonder I dream of her and wish she were here to pound the ground.
What I'm feeling is powerless. I wasn't able to save Aiyana's life. I wanted to. I prayed for Him to. Losing her feels incredibly unfair. I am lonesome. What if I become so afraid of loss that it robs me of the joy of living?
No, no that's not it. I know I carry power if I can respond to life, even when it means having to fight myself to let go. I want to CHOOSE to love unconditionally and hold nothing back. I want to risk having irreplaceable people in my life even if it means knowing someday there will be pain when we part. Love is the destination, and I'm all in for the ride.
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