DC FazMcBush

Today I am full of wonder as I remember my second son's birth and the joy he has brought every day since. His middle name is Charles in honor of my dad and brother, but also from that night in labor when I danced the Charleston with a good friend and coach to speed things along. 

I should have known this kid would be amazing, when a crazy-haired doc showed up in the middle of the night in a Berkeley sweatshirt with sawed off sleeves and announced, Let's get this show on the road.  Not long after, I met my son for the very first time.

There are so many captured moments that run through my head each birthday. If truth be told, there wasn't much to do other than the usual keep him clean and out of trouble stuff. He seemed to be born with a complete set of instructions on how the world works and the navigational tools to get around.

As a small child he completely mastered the concept of money. I taught him the basics, but he wanted to spend some and have some for later. By six, he was in charge of our travel expenses and meals on a trip across country. He had a little ledger and we'd talk about the budget and he'd offer sage advice, like, well we spent a lot on gas and food: can we just sleep in the car?  {No, no honey, let me tell you about Credit ... }

He taught me about the courage necessary to live with a generous heart. He is an interesting, inquisitive, smart, daring person. Like McGyver, he figures it out with just a toothpick and a pocket knife. He imagines and tries, zip lines through the trees, persistently grabs for what he wants, parasails, loves, works around obstacles, and is the first to put out a hand to help another up. 

I used to wonder as I lay quietly feeling him kick my ribs: What will he look like? Who will he be? I couldn't imagine how great it would be.  Happy Birthday, son. Love, Mom

Okay By Me

Can I be blunt? I think it's patently unfair for life to be going along well and all of a sudden loop back to the same old crap you just left behind.  

I've been enjoying a Renaissance period these past 4 years. Gossip and opinion have kind of fallen off the radar. Maybe it's my age and experience that can take the pinch in stride because I have finally, finally learned that In Life, you don't win everyone over, and you don't have to try.

It's a good solid place to be most of the time, focusing on things that are important like living honestly and compassionately. I have an amazing amount of love in my life and a man that fills my heart with gratefulness every single day. I don't ask anyone to walk the walk for me, or approve or disapprove of my choices, although it is apparent people still think it's important to weigh in. Whatever.

It was a What's Up kind of week. I just came out and asked a couple of people how things were going.

I am drawn to moments when relationships find a depth beyond the Facebook Time and we actually communicate.  You've been quiet: is everything alright? Usually it's a happy conversation -- oh man! I've been so busy, but let's set up a time to get together next month! Really miss you!

And sometimes it's not a happy conversation at all.  Like when you don't get a straight answer and you get nowhere. Or when a whole lot of crap tumbles out from left field. 

I come away wondering what the hell is wrong with me:  Did I not see that brick wall? And did I not still ram into it? There's an impossibly awkward response needed:  so you do you say, gee, thanks for letting me know ... when you really aren't thankful at all?

Back in the day I'd have owned it, both sides of the relationship and even the vague and remote criticisms from people not directly in my circle.  In my heart, I believed them, even if it was undeserved. I wasn't worthy. I needed to change.

I'm happy to report those days are gone. I love myself, and so it's easy to put criticism where it needs to be: their issue, not mine. I don't have to do anything, own it or even be responsible for it. If they want to, go right ahead and haul around all that weighted opinion: I'm traveling light.

At the end of the day I'm still heading west. Will I still ask what's up if friends and family get especially quiet? I will. It's always nice to know who your traveling companions will be, and who will be a no-show.