I watched a downy woodpecker peck at the opening of the birdhouse we anchored to a 10 foot pole after moving in last summer. The one with the old Ohio and Arizona license plates covering the roof, that has been hauled around waiting for the right family of birds to discover it. It sits just outside of an upstairs window in a room we are converting to a guest room and should be a treat for anyone wanting to share the life cycle of our little woodpecker family.
That birdhouse has been waiting for this for a lot of years, for a life it was meant to live. Sometimes we have to wade through the jumble and lost to awaken one day in peace.
Anxiety is high as I say goodbye to colleagues who are heading out bravely into retirement, a new job or unemployment. I wait for the tap on my shoulder and the news of what it will be.
Life has calloused me up, but today I am nine again, in gym class, waiting to be picked for a basketball game. Sometimes the team captain is a friend and picks me. I want to be valued for the incredible things I bring to my job everyday. I want to be the one to decide - yes! I want to retire!... and mark off the days with anticipation and excitement. I want to be asked questions like what are your plans? and, what will we do without you? over a parting lunch.
Our little office is 25 strong, a dedicated group that works closely and genuinely gets along. We know each other's birthdays. We are friends on FB. We know what makes each other tick. We bring too much food for pot lucks and share pics of our pets for the annual office calendar. We all chip in on deadlines if someone is behind the 8 ball.
And that is why I cannot sleep. Even after a long strategy session with the Hubs about the what-ifs, and knowing I'm covered either way, I get an average of 4 hours a night. It is a heartbreak.
For those who take care of themselves and apply for a dream job, how do they step over a colleague to occupy their space? Where do they put that in all the friendships and donated lunch hours to gift wrap their families' holiday packages? And for those destined to not go forward in a job, how do they soothe the hearts of people they have come to know and love to help them find peace?
I will try and hide the tears in my eyes, but I am very tired.
