The Book of Boy

Today for my birthday I'm all alone in the house, me and the dog. I saw two of the boys @ a family funeral last weekend, which doubles as a get together in the Book of Boy, that and the upcoming Mother's Day weekend get together with Grandma Joy on her 90th. My birthday runs so close to Mother's Day that we combine them, and often Tim's birthday too, on the 24th.

May is Funeral Month, and I am taking stock.  I am blessed by Randy. And three fine boys that I would like to see more often, but you get what you get in that regard. Good health, save for the self induced aches and pains from not acting my age. A strong inner child that motivates me - no matter what happens and what setbacks there are - with hope and promise and faith to light the way. Truly, it is better to look forward than back.

Aging is awesome... even the genuine shock when people call me ma'am and use the 'young' adjective when they tease, the way I heard them do with my mother. HEY BUDDY, watch it.

I have never clung to any special age. The 20s and 30s were about building what was thought to be the perfect world.  It was stuffed full of what I thought I wanted and needed - and in time some things held up and others didn't, and the next two decades involved a lot of cleaning. Each decade has had its charm and its challenges.

A friend and I talked of her recent losses and difficulties that somehow gathered into a storm. We reminisced about my journey, raising the kids and all the inbetween stuff, and she said seeing me happy and settled gave her hope that she would get through it. And I know she will, because I believe in her.

I am a hopeless believer in temporary*ness. We don't get to choose how long to keep what we are given. Up down dark light inside out and round and round we go. Age has a way of bringing this into sharper focus.

I am grateful today for being a strong woman; with a forgiving nature to let go of unnecessary crap; enough sense for introspection to learn lessons and self worth to own just my piece; words to call it as I see it; and most of all, to understand my nature and unapologetically be true to it.

Today, I own the moment. No, I'm not talking about the pile of chores and impossible projects ahead. Or the crazy job in-security or loopy finances or nutty family synergy. Or all the zany things I do and decisions I wish I hadn't made, although I own those, too.

I mean I have a life partner walking in step and rooted to each other, our families, our futures and even the ridiculous euphoria of watching bunnies hop across the lawn as we sit down to dinner. There is no one else I'd rather be.

Just once before, when my babies were running around and there were friends up and down the block, I was in balance.  At that time I was authentically living out who I was, raising the first, second and third editions of the Book of Boy, and doing it with all of my heart. I have yearned for Phoenix for 25 years, thinking it was the place that made it perfect.

Ah, but today I occupy a life similarly balanced, that is a reflection of who I truly am. It is the life I have always wanted, with all of my heart.  The Book of Boy editions are grown and out in the world. I will never forget all these precious and rare gifts.