Without a Single Unless

Exerpt from Glennon Mellon's 'A Mountain...'

'I've been watching America's response to recent bullying-related suicides closely. People seem quite shocked by the cruelty that's happening in our schools. I'm confused by their shock. I'm also concerned about what's not being addressed in the proposed solutions to this devastating problem.

'The usual response seems to be that we need to better educate students and teachers about what bullying is and how to react appropriately to it. You can't argue with that. But on its own, it seems a little like bailing water frantically without looking for the hole in the boat.

'Each time one of these stories is reported we tend to say some version of "Kids these days -- they can be so cruel." But I think this is just a phrase we toss around to excuse ourselves from facing the truth. I don't think kids are any crueler than adults. I just think kids aren't quite as adept at disguising their cruelty.

'Yesterday I heard a radio report that the students most likely to be bullied are gay kids, overweight kids and Muslim kids.

'Hmmmmm.

'I would venture a guess that gay adults, overweight adults and Muslim adults feel the most bullied as well.

'Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be "grown-up." So they act how grown-ups act when we think they're not paying attention. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. Through our words and actions we send the message that these people aren't equal and they should be feared. We know that people hurt the things they fear. What kids are doing in the schools, is what adults do in the media. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and in one-liners on sitcoms.

'People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he is not okay, he will believe it. And one way or another, he will die.  So how is any of this surprising? It's quite predictable, actually. It's trickle-down cruelty.

'I don't know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is ALWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me.

'If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want my children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I had better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God's and their father's and my eyes, they are okay. They are fine. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless.'

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These 9 paragraphs condensed essentially everything I've learned in 57 years. I found this on the heels of an interview on NPR discussing the prejudice of elders as they transition through the last stages of life; about their invisibility when they are no longer perceived valuable enough to be useful; about how when there aren't folks watching out for them, the disastrous end of life scenarios.

The man speaking had been a long term caregiver to his mother with advanced Alzheimers. In an astonishing comparison to the way blacks are still treated in much of our country, he asserted that regardless of position in life and status, age is one of the great equalizers. There will always be a level playing field at that point, without an advocate (or a pile of money to pay your way up). Elders have a declining self-awareness, limited mobility and poor mental acuity to protect themselves from becoming irrelevent inconveniences unless we step in.

So much of being an American is about power and judgment: strong vs not; opportunity vs not; valuation vs not; money vs not. Those middle school girls that snub the average ones, or target the weak in gym class, are pushing the limits of power, and feeling what it feels like to lord over others. There is no power without it being over something else.

That is what is modeled at the movies and on the news and on our favorite shows.  Heaven help us that we have not figured out what we ingest is what comes out the other side. If we have an appetite for victimizing the elderly, the disabled, the disfigured, the unattractive, the overweight, and the small, why are we shocked?