My ex wrote the other day, a really nice letter addressed to me and the Mr but it was really for the boys. Do you think it is still courageous to extend an olive branch through an emissary rather than directly?
There is no doubt about the devastating experience of divorce and the lingering bitter aftertaste. It is a horrible event. From the euphoria of meeting and the intense commitment of marriage, it degrades into a proof-positive moment when you know you are expendable. It is a death and you grieve just as deeply.
Divorce is where the walls of our heart are the weakest and where broken promises litter the ground. Our children inexcusably suffer from our failure.
Folks stand around wringing their hands over the state of our country because of so many divorces but make it astonishingly easy to procure a marriage license. Just take an hour off work, provide a copy of the birth certificate and driver's license, pay $95 (and a willing participant) and it takes about 10 minutes for the application to be processed while you wait. And oh, the courthouse is conveniently located next door so you can sneak right on in without a blood test, or spiritual or emotional counseling, or family witnesses.
Do you know it is harder to get a puppy from the Humane Society than to get married? The Humane Society at least tries to make sure it is a successful match with a lengthy questionnaire and personal interview. When you commit to a puppy you are made to realize it will grow into something else in time and you need to be willing to accept responsibility for its needs. That is true with marriages, too.
Everyone dreads the divorce with its complicated legal hurdles and court costs and attorneys that will gladly lighten you of a considerable portion of your assets after months of scrutiny and hateful exchanges. Wouldn't it be better for marriage license applicants to go through required counseling and legal interviews to demonstrate they are spiritually and emotionally compatible and aware of the enormous importance of the marital vows? A full disclosure of credit checks and medical files and interviews with family and friends would be good to see.
If after all that the couple still wants to get married and can't make a go of it, I say let the divorce be quick and easy. Give each side whatever they brought into the marriage plus a quarter each of what was amassed during their years together. The rest of it should be put in trust for the kids, because they didn't screwed up and it's not their fault their parents did.
I think marriage statistics would actually improve.
I agree that premarital counseling should be required, but I think divorce isn't difficult enough. People enter into marriage lightly, knowing that divorce is always an option. The divorce rate has steadily risen since the advent of no fault divorce.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to be insensitive to you. I remember that you entered your first marriage determined never to divorce, and you fought very hard to make it work. When you first began dating him, I felt uncomfortable (I knew his reputation from high school). But if I had voiced my reservations, would you have listened? If you had been forced to go through extensive counseling, would you have married him anyway? Maybe not, but other couples might go through the motions, earn their marriage license, and still marry with the assurance that "we can always get a divorce."
Both getting married and getting divorced should be harder, seems to me.
Well put. No fault divorce has increased the casual attitude of marriage. I knew a girl who got married on a weekend to a man she had known just 3 weeks and another who married a terminally ill man who never told her until after they wed.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things to learn about how to choose a partner, what to look for, what is important, and young girls need counsel and help to do that. All of life (good and bad) flows from this one decision.
My ex was what he wanted me to see, and I was too inexperienced to know the difference. And you DID talk to me about it and I didn't listen at all. Had I listened to my instincts, I would have called it off or cut it short, but instead fought and scratched through twenty years before the inevitable end. Being under the influence of youth and in love is pretty potent stuff.
It would be great to see the at-fault party take a significant financial hit. Consequences motivate us, and hopefully discourage uncommitted partners from seeking personal gain. The kids should be provided for, not the courts/attorneys.
Now there, I totally agree!
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