Alternative Fuel

It's about that time. Yep, the dreaded moment of truth when it's time to get smaller because the clothes in the closet aren't getting any bigger. Let's call it the search for Alternative Fuel.

Ya, ya, I've read the books and seen the videos. Hey, I stand in the check out line, too! I know what to do. The question isn't which diet works as much as which fits my current mood.

The most popular diet is the 'eat-with-total-abandon-notwithstanding -clogging-of-the-arteries' plan. Ya, I'm harpooning my future, but first let's get down to that dress size and THEN I'll stop eating a pound of bacon at every meal. How comforting it must be to know your friends will stand over your casket and exclaim, "I wish I looked that great! What do you think she is, a size 7?"

There's the 'eat-one-thing-for-two-weeks' diet. ANYONE can lose weight if they only eat one thing, even if it's avocadoes. Your kidneys may have a thing or two to say about that.

The 'write-each-thing-down-and-count-points' diet is hot. What, do people have nothing to do with their day other than develop an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of this stuff? This is waaaay too complicated, especially with the exchange thing. They did come up with a nifty game board like the ones you used to play on long trips when you were a kid, but it's still hard to get all the sliding doors closed for the win.

The 'liquid' diet is clever. I did that recently when I had to prep for a colonoscopy. I wouldn't recommend it, even though I did lose three pounds.

There's the 'diabetic' diet but that's for -- um-- diabetics. Non-diabetic dieters on this need to be speed readers for all the labels you have to read. I recommend you hit the frozen aisle last.

The 'better-living-through-modern-chemistry' diet involves a doc giving you B-12 injections and pills so you can down size. While the rest of us are doing the fight-to-the-death struggle with willpower and facing down those fierce moments of temptation and discouragement, they are using enhancements. I'm warning ya: dieters are less kind than baseball fans about stuff like that.

I enjoy TV infomercials about pills that magically capture fat so you can eat anything you want and not gain weight. I wonder how many of those little pills you'd need to take in order to eat a funnel cake at the State Fair. HELLO.

The 'buy-our-food-and-we'll-make-you-thin' diet is in vogue. That combines convenience and small portions but it's expensive. Hey, I've got an idea: if you put small sensible meals in little Tupperware containers in the freezer, you'd lose the same amount of weight AND have money for that new wardrobe you'll need when you thin down. Of course, if any of us were disciplined enough to do that, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

So that brings us to 'the-free-and-easy diet' which doesn't involve a membership fee, a charge for weekly weigh-ins, counting points, or taking shots in the cheek. Eat sensibly, walk more, eat natural foods, slow down at meals, drink more water, plan meals better and not take seconds.

Hey! Let's start a new fad.