You Don't Say

I spent an inordinate amount of time yesterday discussing relationships. Some friends are aching for a beginning; some feel over their heads and are wondering how things mushroomed out of control; some are happily padding along in a slippershoe fit that shows the good kind of wear; some, like me, have all of those things going on at once.

You know, it seems to boil down to communication. Relationship communicators have a real skill that is undervalued in this world. Most of us think we're pretty good at communication until we try to talk the same language without knowing the dialect. Communicators learn as they go: sometimes they triumph and sometimes they don't but they work very hard on the goal of a more meaningful relationship.

Active communication sometimes churns the waters as it works the muscles of honesty, courage, and self confidence. They need the heart of a lion to step courageously forward and articulate true needs. There is great risk in learning they may not be respected, or understood or have their feelings reciprocated. Sometimes it feels less risky not to say.

Diving comes to mind. Lots of preparation precedes a dive, like certification, practice dives, site research, knowing the equipment, but by far the most critical element is choosing the right partner. If you've ever watched really great partners in action, you know what I mean. Active communication is direct and clear: they place their lives in each other's hands while they explore the depths. Their proactive communication, a common goal, and a load of trust ensures they make it safely home.

Wow. When you don't speak up, your needs can't possibly be met. Poor communication harbors assumptions, suspicions, and disappointments for people unable to read your mind. Active communication that is honest, trusting, compassionate and clear directs us somewhere together while sweeping clean those dark little corners where scorecards and guilt reside. I'd rather feather my nest with that.