Nov 18, 2009
Nov 17, 2009
Do You Want The Good News First or the Really Good News?
Morgan Harman (Aiyana's big sister) just sent the Over the Moon News!
I'll have a more in detail update very very soon, but I just got a phone call from Aiyana and our Granny. Aiyana has some good news...and then some really REALLY good news.
Good news: It looks like she'll be coming home at the end of the week!!!
And the really REALLY Good news: her Leukemia in non agressive which means NO BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT WILL BE NEEDED!!!
We all have tears of happiness flowing right now. My baby sister is a living, breathing, walking, talking miracle since the day she was born. Thank you so much to everyone for all of the love and support. Our family can't say it enough.
She isn't in the clear of the Leukemia yet so we have to keep doing what we are doing. I just thought you all would like to hear some good stuff!!! Thank you again from the warmest place in my heart, Aiyana's big sister Morgan.
Nov 12, 2009
Where Were You When ...
We all talk about remembering the 89 quake, when the Twin Towers fell or Christa's shuttle exploded. It's strange how hyper aware those moments become, as if time locks itself away and we can recall even the smallest details: what we wore, where we were, what we were doing and who we were with.
There a few other memories like that. I remember one summer day playing Barbies on the front lawn under the tree, the Dream House spread in an arc leaving plenty of room for action and the Dream Car. I remember what the warm sidewalk felt like after a good run through the sprinklers with Kimmy Pohlman and how it would prickle like popping bubbles and tug at our skin as we lay sunny side up. I remember curling into the crook of my father's arm as he read the paper, wiggly and anxious for attention. I remember kneeling in front of a planter planting carnations because they were my mother's favorite flower. She wore an apron with pockets to hold the seeds and gloves. And I remember the day our family dog was hit by a car.
It was my fault, really, anxious as I was for my brother to make it all the way home. I could see him across the street just passing the Kurtz' house and came to the idea that it would be fun for Laddie to do the big reunion scene halfway down the block. And so I opened the screen door.
We were on a busy corner and Laddie never went out front except on a leash. He saw Don, too, and shot out of the house like a rocket and tore across the lawn. I didn't see the car and it didn't see the dog until they intersected along his left flank and he skidded on his side to the curb. My brother looked stricken and dropped his books and bolted to the corner, as I did from the house, yelling for mom, inconsolable and wracked with guilt and fear. My mother got a blanket and we gently put him in the car and headed to the vet. No one blamed me for it, which made it even worse.
This story ended happily. Laddie recovered and I did eventually get the lecture which made me feel oh so much better. He went on to many more adventures which included biting the milkman, being backed up on his own porch by a cat, having a parakeet chase him down the hall and land on his back, and years of being used as a delivery dog for secret messages sent between our rooms after it was lights out. But I can tell you what I was wearing and where I was on the day he was hit.
There a few other memories like that. I remember one summer day playing Barbies on the front lawn under the tree, the Dream House spread in an arc leaving plenty of room for action and the Dream Car. I remember what the warm sidewalk felt like after a good run through the sprinklers with Kimmy Pohlman and how it would prickle like popping bubbles and tug at our skin as we lay sunny side up. I remember curling into the crook of my father's arm as he read the paper, wiggly and anxious for attention. I remember kneeling in front of a planter planting carnations because they were my mother's favorite flower. She wore an apron with pockets to hold the seeds and gloves. And I remember the day our family dog was hit by a car.
It was my fault, really, anxious as I was for my brother to make it all the way home. I could see him across the street just passing the Kurtz' house and came to the idea that it would be fun for Laddie to do the big reunion scene halfway down the block. And so I opened the screen door.
We were on a busy corner and Laddie never went out front except on a leash. He saw Don, too, and shot out of the house like a rocket and tore across the lawn. I didn't see the car and it didn't see the dog until they intersected along his left flank and he skidded on his side to the curb. My brother looked stricken and dropped his books and bolted to the corner, as I did from the house, yelling for mom, inconsolable and wracked with guilt and fear. My mother got a blanket and we gently put him in the car and headed to the vet. No one blamed me for it, which made it even worse.
This story ended happily. Laddie recovered and I did eventually get the lecture which made me feel oh so much better. He went on to many more adventures which included biting the milkman, being backed up on his own porch by a cat, having a parakeet chase him down the hall and land on his back, and years of being used as a delivery dog for secret messages sent between our rooms after it was lights out. But I can tell you what I was wearing and where I was on the day he was hit.
Nov 10, 2009
A Trust Walk
I've been kind of sore at God lately. Aiyana is such a wonderful and loving child, it's been hard to accept the fact she's so ill. Essentially, I think He could have at least picked someone more deserving of the honor of leukemia, say a world leader who committed genocide. It would have been nice to be able to say to each other, well there you go, we all know a bad seed deserves to suffer.
I happened to be watching teenagers the other day be released from school. They came in waves, spilling over the walkways and grassy slopes and pooled near the crosswalk ready to cross. They were anxious to get to wherever they were going and some had no plans to wait for the light. They stepped right out into traffic even though we were approaching at 45 miles an hour on a green light.
I happened to be watching teenagers the other day be released from school. They came in waves, spilling over the walkways and grassy slopes and pooled near the crosswalk ready to cross. They were anxious to get to wherever they were going and some had no plans to wait for the light. They stepped right out into traffic even though we were approaching at 45 miles an hour on a green light.
Camo
I was talking aloud in the car the other day and thinking how great the invention of the Bluetooth is for those of us who do that sort of thing. But when it comes to singing, the Bluetooth is a grossly inadequate shield. Once that whole performance gesturing thing gets going when you're belting out an old show tune like When You're A Jet, there's just no way to camoflague it.
California lane buddies pull alongside and the first thing they do is give cursory glances this way and that. I think it's because they think something better is going on in the next car and they don't want to miss out. In places like Chicago, lane buddies don't want to know what's going on in the car next to them because they really, really don't want to get involved. So they just stare straight ahead as if they're the only ones on the road which they might as well be.
When westerner lane buddies encounter a live performance, they fall into one of two subgroups. They either -- a) nod and smile because they, too, are cabaret car singers and realize how silly they look, -- or -- b) mutter something to their passenger who also snaps and stares, mutters something back, probably about me being off my nut, and discreetly change lanes. But really, how can subgroup B not fess up to knowing how amazing car acoustics are, especially with music cranked up just enough so we can delude ourselves into thinking we've got amazing pitch? The pervs.
Car etiquette otherwise is pretty straightforward except for one thing which is really important. Next time you have marshmallow peeps stuffed in your cheeks and hit a red light with lane buddies on either side, here's what to do: stop chewing and swallowing to remain undiscovered. Try not to gag up those sugar crystals dripping down your throat and saliva closing your esophagus from over-stimulated taste buds. When the light changes, and it will after it goes through an eight stage cycle including turn lanes, being slow on the take off will give you just enough time chew and swallow.
Oh and don't forget the Golden Rule: Never never ever ever pick your nose in the car even if it's in the middle of the night with no one around for 100 miles. You're in a box with windows, Man: someone will see.
California lane buddies pull alongside and the first thing they do is give cursory glances this way and that. I think it's because they think something better is going on in the next car and they don't want to miss out. In places like Chicago, lane buddies don't want to know what's going on in the car next to them because they really, really don't want to get involved. So they just stare straight ahead as if they're the only ones on the road which they might as well be.
When westerner lane buddies encounter a live performance, they fall into one of two subgroups. They either -- a) nod and smile because they, too, are cabaret car singers and realize how silly they look, -- or -- b) mutter something to their passenger who also snaps and stares, mutters something back, probably about me being off my nut, and discreetly change lanes. But really, how can subgroup B not fess up to knowing how amazing car acoustics are, especially with music cranked up just enough so we can delude ourselves into thinking we've got amazing pitch? The pervs.
Car etiquette otherwise is pretty straightforward except for one thing which is really important. Next time you have marshmallow peeps stuffed in your cheeks and hit a red light with lane buddies on either side, here's what to do: stop chewing and swallowing to remain undiscovered. Try not to gag up those sugar crystals dripping down your throat and saliva closing your esophagus from over-stimulated taste buds. When the light changes, and it will after it goes through an eight stage cycle including turn lanes, being slow on the take off will give you just enough time chew and swallow.
Oh and don't forget the Golden Rule: Never never ever ever pick your nose in the car even if it's in the middle of the night with no one around for 100 miles. You're in a box with windows, Man: someone will see.
Nov 6, 2009
Taking the Hill
Ok for the harder news.
Aiyana's leukemia type is confirmed as MPAL - Mixed Phenotype Acute Leukemia, and ALM is primary so the doctors have begun an aggressive regimen of 10 days on, recover days off, and a repeat. Treatment began yesterday. The length of recovery days will depend on how our girl tolerates treatment, and that varies widely. Some do very well on it, and we know that if Aiyana's strong spirit has anything to say about it, she will, too. No matter what, she will try very hard and be very brave.
Her mother told her last night there is a boxing match going on inside and that she might not feel well until the good guys win. Aiyana understood at once what she was talking about. It was a great analogy.
I have been looking the disease up online, and there are all sorts of statistics and ratios that suddenly are unimportant. Reading stories and statistical probabilities only diffuses what is going on here and now with this precious child.
When Aiyana's mom was hungry to know information way into the future, her oncologist wisely replied, 'I will tell you what we are doing today, and tomorrow I will tell you what we are doing tomorrow.'
And so we will take this in small doses, just like Aiyana does, to fight the good fight and keep strong. Minute by minute, day by day, we will take it one hill at a time.
Aiyana's leukemia type is confirmed as MPAL - Mixed Phenotype Acute Leukemia, and ALM is primary so the doctors have begun an aggressive regimen of 10 days on, recover days off, and a repeat. Treatment began yesterday. The length of recovery days will depend on how our girl tolerates treatment, and that varies widely. Some do very well on it, and we know that if Aiyana's strong spirit has anything to say about it, she will, too. No matter what, she will try very hard and be very brave.
Her mother told her last night there is a boxing match going on inside and that she might not feel well until the good guys win. Aiyana understood at once what she was talking about. It was a great analogy.
I have been looking the disease up online, and there are all sorts of statistics and ratios that suddenly are unimportant. Reading stories and statistical probabilities only diffuses what is going on here and now with this precious child.
When Aiyana's mom was hungry to know information way into the future, her oncologist wisely replied, 'I will tell you what we are doing today, and tomorrow I will tell you what we are doing tomorrow.'
And so we will take this in small doses, just like Aiyana does, to fight the good fight and keep strong. Minute by minute, day by day, we will take it one hill at a time.
Nov 3, 2009
Just the Same
On Friday I joined the club of those I have been holding out hope for: I became unemployed. You'd think after living life this long, I'd be accustomed to change. I was immersed with living by the bell, interacting and keeping up with routines and tasks.
What a beautiful day it is today and I wouldn't even know that if I was at work, knocking down that inbox with important things to do. I liked it there. It's fun to be kept by children who challenge and care and push and pull, whose faces and names I have finally learned to spell. Their voices are familiar on the other end of the line when they called to say hi.
How will it be now, I wonder, for me and for them, finding a foothold, a focus forward. It's not exactly how we thought it would go but we'll get there just the same.
What a beautiful day it is today and I wouldn't even know that if I was at work, knocking down that inbox with important things to do. I liked it there. It's fun to be kept by children who challenge and care and push and pull, whose faces and names I have finally learned to spell. Their voices are familiar on the other end of the line when they called to say hi.
How will it be now, I wonder, for me and for them, finding a foothold, a focus forward. It's not exactly how we thought it would go but we'll get there just the same.
Nov 1, 2009
God's Children
I was watching the kids play with Floam, this weird textured dough with little beads that stick together. As I watched those little hands shape and form it, I thought of God.
He is there in whatever shape we need Him to be, waiting and watching until we begin walking step in step. We roll around thoughts of Him, over and over, shaping Him this way and that while we try to understand who He is. He is as unique to each of us as we are to each other.
God can burst into our hearts like a shooting star on the 4th of July or enter silently on tiptoes like a kitten we don't know is there until we reach out and feel the warmth. He is with us when we are lonely and scared or when we are joyous and grateful. He smiles and watches with us when we discover a miracle because He never gets tired of those.
If I could pick a favorite game for God it would be Hide and Seek. He would be really good at it! He wouldn't mind when we were a long way from counting all the way up to 100 before we started to look for him. He would not throw his hands in the air, give up and go home at dark the way others would. No sir ree. No matter how slow we are or how far ahead the others are, He will wait there for us to discover Him. And when we do, with arms outstretched, excited to be found, He will joyfully run with us all the way home.
He is there in whatever shape we need Him to be, waiting and watching until we begin walking step in step. We roll around thoughts of Him, over and over, shaping Him this way and that while we try to understand who He is. He is as unique to each of us as we are to each other.
God can burst into our hearts like a shooting star on the 4th of July or enter silently on tiptoes like a kitten we don't know is there until we reach out and feel the warmth. He is with us when we are lonely and scared or when we are joyous and grateful. He smiles and watches with us when we discover a miracle because He never gets tired of those.
If I could pick a favorite game for God it would be Hide and Seek. He would be really good at it! He wouldn't mind when we were a long way from counting all the way up to 100 before we started to look for him. He would not throw his hands in the air, give up and go home at dark the way others would. No sir ree. No matter how slow we are or how far ahead the others are, He will wait there for us to discover Him. And when we do, with arms outstretched, excited to be found, He will joyfully run with us all the way home.
A Great Day
Halloween in the Pediatric Unit of UC Davis Medical Center's Cancer Ward was hopping yesterday. Facepainters were stationed just outside the door, and rainbows and stars and spiderwebs on everyone's smiling faces. A clean room playroom was set up at the end of the hall staffed by volunteers to design pumpkins, decorate door hangers and make origami windchimes.
Inside the windows were decorated, and pumpkin decorations were all over the room. Gavon was the Spider King and Avry was a butterfly; Mom and Morgan were witches and Dad was a Hippie; Jason was a pirate. Randy and I went as cleverly disguised responsible adults.
The staff came in every minute or two, superheroes, Minnie Mouse, soccer goalies and Jessie and Woody from Toy Story, with their arms full of toys and candy and flash lights to put in the bag for Aiyana and her sister Avry. We watched and laughed at the trick-or-treat in reverse and the delight and anticipation on Aiyana's face with each knock on the door.
Aiyana got up and walked down the hall, and we trailed behind, most of us in masks decorated with big smiley faces, moustaches and glasses. She played a game of fishing and won a doll gymnast set with - count them - TWO Barbies! The anti-nausea meds kicked in mid-day and she was in great spirits. She ate! She ate peaches, drank water and juice, chicken nuggets and half a hamburger. We took a lot of pictures, overjoyed she was hungry and eating as much as how darling she looked in her little ladybug cap and fireman's hat.
Her mother said that today was a great day, one to keep as a memory because the days ahead will be hard. We know she is right. We are here to love each other, be strong, and hold hands
Inside the windows were decorated, and pumpkin decorations were all over the room. Gavon was the Spider King and Avry was a butterfly; Mom and Morgan were witches and Dad was a Hippie; Jason was a pirate. Randy and I went as cleverly disguised responsible adults.
The staff came in every minute or two, superheroes, Minnie Mouse, soccer goalies and Jessie and Woody from Toy Story, with their arms full of toys and candy and flash lights to put in the bag for Aiyana and her sister Avry. We watched and laughed at the trick-or-treat in reverse and the delight and anticipation on Aiyana's face with each knock on the door.
Aiyana got up and walked down the hall, and we trailed behind, most of us in masks decorated with big smiley faces, moustaches and glasses. She played a game of fishing and won a doll gymnast set with - count them - TWO Barbies! The anti-nausea meds kicked in mid-day and she was in great spirits. She ate! She ate peaches, drank water and juice, chicken nuggets and half a hamburger. We took a lot of pictures, overjoyed she was hungry and eating as much as how darling she looked in her little ladybug cap and fireman's hat.
Her mother said that today was a great day, one to keep as a memory because the days ahead will be hard. We know she is right. We are here to love each other, be strong, and hold hands
Oct 23, 2009
My Morning Routine
The minutes of my day tick by without thought. I sometimes get to work remembering only the songs on the radio and having admired the architecture of the mercedes SUV in front of me most of the way. Pulling into the lot, knowing the spot is waiting for me, is somehow comforting.
And then lights pop on and passwords are set for the day. What will come is in the wind as I help out, encourage and greet hundreds of kids, one at a time, one after another. First it's 11:05, then 1:25, 3:20 and 5. Where did the day go? So many kids have trailed in for all sorts of reasons, the respect and connections are strong and good. I matter to them, and they to me, and that has been a profoundly important lesson.
I wonder if teaching is my calling after all. My heart gently chides me for being surprised for what I see myself do. We hug and joke around as I push them, fight for them, make them stand tall and and grab their place in the world. There is nothing more exhilirating than knowing the good I do. In this moment in their life and mine, it matters.
And then lights pop on and passwords are set for the day. What will come is in the wind as I help out, encourage and greet hundreds of kids, one at a time, one after another. First it's 11:05, then 1:25, 3:20 and 5. Where did the day go? So many kids have trailed in for all sorts of reasons, the respect and connections are strong and good. I matter to them, and they to me, and that has been a profoundly important lesson.
I wonder if teaching is my calling after all. My heart gently chides me for being surprised for what I see myself do. We hug and joke around as I push them, fight for them, make them stand tall and and grab their place in the world. There is nothing more exhilirating than knowing the good I do. In this moment in their life and mine, it matters.
Oct 12, 2009
The Worry Stone
I've been down and out with the flu for a few and taken up worrying about things that aren't mine to decide so I made an electronic worry stone for what's on my mind. Hopefully it works.
Healthcare and Health: Things are stable and improving with most everyone, and people are in transition - including me, who has a long overdue date with exercise and eating sensibly. Aging parent issues with all of my friends are difficult and ongoing. And this new healthcare issue is driving me crazy.
Work and Money: Another friend lost her job last week, but two found ones. Most realize the impersonal environmental climate we are in and have stabilized their thinking, thank God. Kids: come home whenever you need. Houses are in jeopardy. How to pare down monthly expenses in a climate that doesn't encourage refinance is worrisome.
And as for that new phantom 2012 big cataclysmic event: Holy Crimeny! Calm down. The Mayans just ran out of room on the chart.
Healthcare and Health: Things are stable and improving with most everyone, and people are in transition - including me, who has a long overdue date with exercise and eating sensibly. Aging parent issues with all of my friends are difficult and ongoing. And this new healthcare issue is driving me crazy.
Work and Money: Another friend lost her job last week, but two found ones. Most realize the impersonal environmental climate we are in and have stabilized their thinking, thank God. Kids: come home whenever you need. Houses are in jeopardy. How to pare down monthly expenses in a climate that doesn't encourage refinance is worrisome.
And as for that new phantom 2012 big cataclysmic event: Holy Crimeny! Calm down. The Mayans just ran out of room on the chart.
Oct 2, 2009
Invisible Breadlines
I put a few gallons of gas in the car of an older man who offered to wash my car windows this week as his wife quietly sat in the passenger seat with her eyes lowered. Who is saying the economy is rebounding any day now?
Life feels familiar because we have been here before in the stories around the dinner table as our parents recounted life growing up in the shadow of the Great Depression. Friends and family lived together then and formed a tight huddle, pooled their resources, and rode it out. But livelihoods were sacrificed, and property and lives. It was a time when all Americans were reduced to a level playing field and those who could help understood the humanity in it.
After that, our government established coping systems should it happen again. Flash forward to 2009 and these systems are bursting at the seams trying to keep up with an economy rocketing out of control. We don't see the depth of the problem because the systems are already in place and invisible. I know folks living in their car, who lost their home and business, and many more friends/family who are out of work. Are these times as dire as the 1930s? I know we're being fed propaganda that our economy is on the cusp of a rebound and we should hang on for reinforcements. Like the Alamo.
Maybe seeing those long breadlines and children sleeping in doorways is exactly what we need to kickstart this country into quitting its gripefest and unifying with a common goal. It doesn't matter who's in the hot seat: there are serious issues in play and we need direction and help. How about if everyone puts their bipartisanship aside and throw themselves into a fix for that?
Life feels familiar because we have been here before in the stories around the dinner table as our parents recounted life growing up in the shadow of the Great Depression. Friends and family lived together then and formed a tight huddle, pooled their resources, and rode it out. But livelihoods were sacrificed, and property and lives. It was a time when all Americans were reduced to a level playing field and those who could help understood the humanity in it.
After that, our government established coping systems should it happen again. Flash forward to 2009 and these systems are bursting at the seams trying to keep up with an economy rocketing out of control. We don't see the depth of the problem because the systems are already in place and invisible. I know folks living in their car, who lost their home and business, and many more friends/family who are out of work. Are these times as dire as the 1930s? I know we're being fed propaganda that our economy is on the cusp of a rebound and we should hang on for reinforcements. Like the Alamo.
Maybe seeing those long breadlines and children sleeping in doorways is exactly what we need to kickstart this country into quitting its gripefest and unifying with a common goal. It doesn't matter who's in the hot seat: there are serious issues in play and we need direction and help. How about if everyone puts their bipartisanship aside and throw themselves into a fix for that?
Sep 15, 2009
The Law of Averages
I hate to admit it but I think the guys are right on this one. Chicks are crazy.
A guy trying to win a woman will do a series of thoughtful and considerate things and, say, hit the mark 80% of the time. A woman thinks from that display that he understands her. He's encouraged that things are working nicely and sticks with the plan, trusting in the law of averages and the clues she gives him along the way. Life is good.
And then a crisis hits. It could be the death of someone close, the loss of self esteem, a crisis of faith. She pulls back, relying on her inner processing unit to work it through, and stops communicating while she desperately looks for safe footing. Sometimes she can do it herself; often she can't. She doesn't know anything about his law of averages. All she knows is that her man has met most of her needs up until this point, and she assumes he will know what she needs. Under these circumstances, his law of averages routine doesn't work and their relationship enters a crisis.
That's very true in friendships as well. Years and years of friendship assumes you know somebody through and through. It speaks to a level of trust that says -- I Will Be There. A crisis shatters even the best of friends when they don't know what to do, how to help, or when. I can only imagine how much harder it is for a guy to understand and react to the signs when as a woman I struggle like crazy. I sometimes drop the ball and miss the trail of bread crumbs, too.
This is a great reminder of how important communication is. When things seem dire and scary, whatever a woman says translates into needing a hand to hold. She can say whatever she wants, but those who love her need to stand by her, if only to hold the nightlight.
A guy trying to win a woman will do a series of thoughtful and considerate things and, say, hit the mark 80% of the time. A woman thinks from that display that he understands her. He's encouraged that things are working nicely and sticks with the plan, trusting in the law of averages and the clues she gives him along the way. Life is good.
And then a crisis hits. It could be the death of someone close, the loss of self esteem, a crisis of faith. She pulls back, relying on her inner processing unit to work it through, and stops communicating while she desperately looks for safe footing. Sometimes she can do it herself; often she can't. She doesn't know anything about his law of averages. All she knows is that her man has met most of her needs up until this point, and she assumes he will know what she needs. Under these circumstances, his law of averages routine doesn't work and their relationship enters a crisis.
That's very true in friendships as well. Years and years of friendship assumes you know somebody through and through. It speaks to a level of trust that says -- I Will Be There. A crisis shatters even the best of friends when they don't know what to do, how to help, or when. I can only imagine how much harder it is for a guy to understand and react to the signs when as a woman I struggle like crazy. I sometimes drop the ball and miss the trail of bread crumbs, too.
This is a great reminder of how important communication is. When things seem dire and scary, whatever a woman says translates into needing a hand to hold. She can say whatever she wants, but those who love her need to stand by her, if only to hold the nightlight.
Sep 11, 2009
A Bigger Pond
My students are a willful group and that has gotten them to this little pond we all share. They know every plant, every sound and the rocks that are safe to jump into deeper water. Having lived more life than most of us by the tender age of 17, they are reluctant to let go.
They have already felt parts of their life dissolving like sand under their toes and drawn out to sea. They know why it scares them to move to a bigger pond: the door between high school and college will have no handles should they want to return. They are hyper aware of the opportunities but the risk is in giving up the safety net and their sense of security.
It has been said that great achievement accompanies great risk. The juncture of moving from who we are to who we are becoming is a vast individual leap. It is not easy or slow or painless, and sometimes it means going it alone with nothing but warm memories. It takes a strong sense of self to scoop up life, tuck it under your arm and make a run for it.
Like settlers, they will have to find the courage to forge their path. With great fanfare and tears they will head off, facing challenges and unexpected setbacks. Some will make it to Iowa before turning back, learning about themselves how far is too far. Some will come over the Rockies and make a go of it in the beautiful, rich farmland of Colorado. And some will make it all the way to the Pacific, those big dreams tangible and real as they run towards the waves and the hard, wet sand.
They have already felt parts of their life dissolving like sand under their toes and drawn out to sea. They know why it scares them to move to a bigger pond: the door between high school and college will have no handles should they want to return. They are hyper aware of the opportunities but the risk is in giving up the safety net and their sense of security.
It has been said that great achievement accompanies great risk. The juncture of moving from who we are to who we are becoming is a vast individual leap. It is not easy or slow or painless, and sometimes it means going it alone with nothing but warm memories. It takes a strong sense of self to scoop up life, tuck it under your arm and make a run for it.
Like settlers, they will have to find the courage to forge their path. With great fanfare and tears they will head off, facing challenges and unexpected setbacks. Some will make it to Iowa before turning back, learning about themselves how far is too far. Some will come over the Rockies and make a go of it in the beautiful, rich farmland of Colorado. And some will make it all the way to the Pacific, those big dreams tangible and real as they run towards the waves and the hard, wet sand.
Sep 2, 2009
Exorcise
I sit here tonight just having walked through the door. It's been a week of late nights, and my sweetheart is fast asleep. My day is filled with unimaginable things to him, earnest conversations and demands for my time that are far removed from his world.
The quiet love from the room calls to me, welcomes me home, wonders where I have been. What is it that pulls me forward and into and through a whirlwind kind of day, each day busier than the last? Why my relentless drive?
I miss you, I whisper as I curl into sleep, into love, longing for the contact of a warm embrace, hand in hand for walks and a laugh. I have come to see an exorcise is in my future.
The quiet love from the room calls to me, welcomes me home, wonders where I have been. What is it that pulls me forward and into and through a whirlwind kind of day, each day busier than the last? Why my relentless drive?
I miss you, I whisper as I curl into sleep, into love, longing for the contact of a warm embrace, hand in hand for walks and a laugh. I have come to see an exorcise is in my future.
Aug 29, 2009
Dreams with Feet
I have this old friend. Old, in terms of the thousands of stories we share, but new in the ways we share our lives. We have been friends most of my life. We were college roommates during those silly and hopeful years with conversations full of philosophy, self discovery and heart. We are part of each other's stories, moving forward to raise ourselves, our kids, our hopes. We are not always central in each other's lives. Our friendship expands and contracts, but the heartbeat is always there, a total investment in each other. Her mother, my brother, her brother, my kids, her sister, my parents, her daughter, we are one.
Last night, over a leisurely dinner, we fell into a thoughtful discussion about nature and nurture, always a great topic when observing our kids. All the preparation in the world can't prepare a child to meet life head on. As they flounder along, we mused about how too many high-fives for minimum results and soccer trophies for placing 4th creates a false sense of expectations and self importance.
I remember life placing me in check. I was 22 and working my first job in my major. I thought I was a white hot writer and future novelist. But there I was, in a little cubicle with a job to only correct manuscript spelling and punctuation. No silver platter, or anything...
Life takes work, and as I like to say: the only way around it is through it. Painful or not, our children will have to figure out how to live without summer vacations. Life occasionally gives high fives and trophies, but they won't get rest stops. It is a constant push to maintain the status quo, make gains and exceed them. No one is going to hand it to them, cute as they were in their Halloween costume in their kindergarten parade. They are the only ones that can make their dreams grow feet.
I had a great conversation with a co-worker who was describing his invalid father as the most emotionally well adjusted man his doctors had ever seen. It's not that he is happy with his physical limitations, but he has come to terms with it without sacrificing his work ethic, self value and purpose in life.
There is a nugget of wisdom here, one worth passing on to our children if we can. The core of who we are needs to shine. We don't get to choose what life dishes out, but we do choose our response. Being the best workers, friends, spouses, children and parents makes a bold statement about life skills they will need. And in the end, let the final lesson be that life is challenging and incredibly worthwhile, even without the standing ovation.
Last night, over a leisurely dinner, we fell into a thoughtful discussion about nature and nurture, always a great topic when observing our kids. All the preparation in the world can't prepare a child to meet life head on. As they flounder along, we mused about how too many high-fives for minimum results and soccer trophies for placing 4th creates a false sense of expectations and self importance.
I remember life placing me in check. I was 22 and working my first job in my major. I thought I was a white hot writer and future novelist. But there I was, in a little cubicle with a job to only correct manuscript spelling and punctuation. No silver platter, or anything...
Life takes work, and as I like to say: the only way around it is through it. Painful or not, our children will have to figure out how to live without summer vacations. Life occasionally gives high fives and trophies, but they won't get rest stops. It is a constant push to maintain the status quo, make gains and exceed them. No one is going to hand it to them, cute as they were in their Halloween costume in their kindergarten parade. They are the only ones that can make their dreams grow feet.
I had a great conversation with a co-worker who was describing his invalid father as the most emotionally well adjusted man his doctors had ever seen. It's not that he is happy with his physical limitations, but he has come to terms with it without sacrificing his work ethic, self value and purpose in life.
There is a nugget of wisdom here, one worth passing on to our children if we can. The core of who we are needs to shine. We don't get to choose what life dishes out, but we do choose our response. Being the best workers, friends, spouses, children and parents makes a bold statement about life skills they will need. And in the end, let the final lesson be that life is challenging and incredibly worthwhile, even without the standing ovation.
Aug 24, 2009
Anyone's Guess
Most of life includes an element of risk. I can say with absolute certainty that the only regrets I have are times I wasn't daring enough to risk the win.
And so as we age, our bodies and minds become less limber, and we become someone unrecognizable to who we once were, the free spirit, whole earth zen bunny from our glory days who stores our sense of self. We scarcely notice the changes in spirit but they are there.
There is a soaring sense of hope when love envelops us in comfort and safety. It is very alluring. But when we let life beat us into a box, out comes the intolerances that have overtaken our souls. How it ends is anyone's guess.
And so as we age, our bodies and minds become less limber, and we become someone unrecognizable to who we once were, the free spirit, whole earth zen bunny from our glory days who stores our sense of self. We scarcely notice the changes in spirit but they are there.
There is a soaring sense of hope when love envelops us in comfort and safety. It is very alluring. But when we let life beat us into a box, out comes the intolerances that have overtaken our souls. How it ends is anyone's guess.
Aug 9, 2009
Thanks, Dad
John Mayer's lyrics, Daughter
I know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change
I've done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn in to mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
Oh you see that skin, it's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made
Reprise
Boys you can break, find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong, boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth of a woman's good heart
On behalf of every man looking out for every girl
You are the God and the weight of the world
Reprise
Reprise
I know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change
I've done all I can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn in to mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
Oh you see that skin, it's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made
Reprise
Boys you can break, find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong, boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth of a woman's good heart
On behalf of every man looking out for every girl
You are the God and the weight of the world
Reprise
Reprise
Out with the Old
Our friend Patriot gave up the ghost this week, after five years of companionship and enjoyment. I'm not sure the life expectency of a Beta Fighting Fish, but he was a wisened old fella who came to the top of the bowl for a pat on the fin and puffed up to remind us it was dinnertime. He had a good life.
I'm watching a burgundy fancy fighter named Wasabi who was yesterday's purchase and is destined to become the Advisory class mascot tomorrow. Randy picked Sherman for home and Sherm has a brilliant royal blue body with fins trimmed in bright red. He is still in hiding, probably planning a big offensive.
We discovered a leak in the hall in late June from the a/c drain and insurance will help us replace some of the flooring. Some big decisions need to be made: replacing the heater and a repair or replacement of the a/c; flooring in the hall, the livingroom and the oval office. Complicated by the 'while we're at it' thinking which I am famous for, there have been earnest negotiations going on for the last several weeks.
We were astonished to learn the furnace was the original unit from 1969, still working and serving us well, giving heat on demand and without complaint for 40 years. Admittedly there are more energy efficient units on the market and rebates, too, but will they be able to boast that kind of longevity and service forty years from now? Are American products even being made to last? Either way, the old fella needs to go.
But the a/c unit is only about 14 years and just needs a tune up and repair, although we are being enticed by the sales promise of 30% savings with the new unit. But wait! The savings would only be on the a/c portion of the bill, and so the yield would be relatively small for the four months a year we actively use it. It would take ten years to recoup the cost of replacement. Final answer: we will replace the heater, repair the a/c, and wait for the eventual ban on freon. Add some paint and flooring inside after insurance kicks in and we're back in business.
I'm watching a burgundy fancy fighter named Wasabi who was yesterday's purchase and is destined to become the Advisory class mascot tomorrow. Randy picked Sherman for home and Sherm has a brilliant royal blue body with fins trimmed in bright red. He is still in hiding, probably planning a big offensive.
We discovered a leak in the hall in late June from the a/c drain and insurance will help us replace some of the flooring. Some big decisions need to be made: replacing the heater and a repair or replacement of the a/c; flooring in the hall, the livingroom and the oval office. Complicated by the 'while we're at it' thinking which I am famous for, there have been earnest negotiations going on for the last several weeks.
We were astonished to learn the furnace was the original unit from 1969, still working and serving us well, giving heat on demand and without complaint for 40 years. Admittedly there are more energy efficient units on the market and rebates, too, but will they be able to boast that kind of longevity and service forty years from now? Are American products even being made to last? Either way, the old fella needs to go.
But the a/c unit is only about 14 years and just needs a tune up and repair, although we are being enticed by the sales promise of 30% savings with the new unit. But wait! The savings would only be on the a/c portion of the bill, and so the yield would be relatively small for the four months a year we actively use it. It would take ten years to recoup the cost of replacement. Final answer: we will replace the heater, repair the a/c, and wait for the eventual ban on freon. Add some paint and flooring inside after insurance kicks in and we're back in business.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)