More Than Ever Before

It sometimes feels like I'm in a campy old movie in a cardboard car smiling out and moving the plastic steering wheel while the background whizzes by.

It has been said that keeping your childlike innocence helps to see the world through that permanent lens. I suppose it's true. I was given a heaping scoop of that sort of thing. It is hereditary. On my father's side.

During the dark ages, it was my dad who worried that I would lose that sense of innocence. For years, it seemed lost. But something interesting happened, after things settled down. After the days and years ticked by and I wondered if this is how it would be, a peripheral world of solitude. After a friend once charged that I must not like myself well enough to be alone. I realized I am companionable by nature and unsatisfied with a solitary life.

The boys were growing into their own lives and action was required to change the circumstance of my life. A chance. A risk. But where to start. Gradually my heart felt strong and possible. There was awkwardness with the untried skills and times I didn't recognize myself as I pressed on. I learned to live with being out of my element. I had a plan.

My inner circle was not happy. Some worried and wrung their hands; some sent spies to report back to the hive. Some acted like they celebrated the process but did not; some quit calling. But there were those who wrapped me up and said ... do not stray too far and lose your way. We are waiting when you return. They never said not to go.

It took a while of exploring and getting turned around before I recognized something. It was sunning itself on a rock, patiently waiting. I know you! I scooped up myjoyful innocence and danced and laughed and cried for the first time in way too long, and put it away in my heart.

I look back now and wonder if it was tucked around a 250 lb half German half Italian who has lit up my life or just a coincidence in timing. Maybe it was the clarity of being able to look at life with hopefulness again and finding the newness in normal everyday things.

All I know for sure is that life has balance now, and grit and laughter and love. And I am myself more than ever before.